Ben

This song came one randomly. I remember I started listening to this song because it was your profile song. Lol. I had to listen to listen to it, maybe you would think I was cool and like me back. To think, ‘tis been 4 years since then and I’ve gone full circle to end where I began, except worse. I remember you said you liked me once in high school, that gave me the inspiration I needed to chase after you for my entire high school career; even when you were a complete a-hole to me sometimes. Senior year when you couldn’t even talk to me I still rushed you home to get your JROTC uniform so you didn’t get in trouble. I would still go to your volleyball games to cheer you on; number one fan I believe. I even took you to The Killers concert when you couldn’t even care less to remember what date it was on. I’ve been down many times before, mostly because of you.Today proves that your still the only one that can really make me cry. I’m sure you already read the message I wrote, yet there was never a response made; and thus your decision was made. After it was sent I could only think of all the things I left out, all the things still left unsaid. There’s a lot that should be said. It’s gonna be hard for me to get over losing my best friend. Even when our relationship was deteriorating you were still my best friend. Now I feel the hurt I put you through. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t feel it earlier, in unison with you. I just felt your presence still it was almost like you never left and so the hurt never truly set in before. This will be different. No more 13 hour bus rides to visit Santa Barbaria. Please take care of Mr. Shark and Tubby, I still have Wiggle and Bacon; there’s no reason the chilt’ren should suffer. Lol. I still have the pictures from photo class Jr year, a lot of them I took with you; you’re in a good portion of them. You always were the inspiration. The inspiration as to why i stayed in football as long as I did; as to why I tried so hard in home wrestling matches; as to why I ran; for everything. Speaking of which, I guess I should point out that one of the greatest moments in my football career, if you can call it that, was when you ran onto the field, gave me a cupcake and said you were my biggest fan. This was me on the inside “:3”. I had to keep my cool though, y’know, walk away smoothly to the locker room. I remember I gave you a rose senior year during Senior Night. We went to prom together. I wanted so bad to plant the first smooch that night, but alas, it didn’t happen. But it’s okay, it was worth the wait when it did. I only had to wait 5 years. It’s cool how we share a birthday, ignoring time zones of course. I like my wallets; I still have them both. I tried to get you a Chum Buddy y’know? This past Christmas. That’s why I said I would combine your gifts into something you would love. They’re hard to come by. I finally had about enough saved and whattaya know? Out of stock. I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to get it. But that’s why I had enough moneys to offer to take you out to wherever for a nice dinner and night of entertainment. You didn’t feel like anything fancy and so we ate pho and went to watch Children of Men. My heart was in the right place, but I hope you didn’t feel like I intentionally shorted you on the holidays. I still have all the Faces and Spring Comedy brochures and tickets from the shows you performed in. Figured I would keep them incase you got famous. Just kidding. They’re in my collectibles box though, along with everything else you gave me. Ever. Including the valentines card you gave me Sophomore year. I was your 4/5th best friend at the time. FORMATION Z! I apologize for the rambling. But as i sit here with my tear glands swelling up in a watery fashion, I just felt I had to write all the things that went through my mind. Also, there’s a lot I had left to tell you. I don’t want you to leave. Don’t. But you will. And it’s better for you, you’ve got a lot going for yourself now. I really hope you enjoy Spain. It’ll be amazing. I’ve written letters before, explaining everything that happened, I never sent them though. I still have them. I guess I have a lot more to add as a post script on it now don’t I? The other night I had a dream where I was on a couch with you, I apologized and we talked things through, I asked you out and you said no, we talked more then you told me to ask you again, you said yes. I woke up and instantly felt it ripped away. It’s funny though, that’s a lot like how we first started going out. It was a different couch in the dream though. I know this post jumps around a lot, sentence fragments, run ons, misuse of punctuation; whatever call it artistic. I hope you could follow along. I dont have very many followers, nor do I care. I’m rarely even on this But that means you probably won’t read this. It’s okay. It’s now a series of 0’s and 1’s floating in the web stream forever so at least it was written. I just had to say what was felt.

Because whatever it is, my inspiration, I had lost it, but it’s found. Life feels good again, done.

I have no idea. I feel so lost right now. What’s wrong with me? I gave up the only good thing in my life. Its what’s best for her. I can’t continue being selfish. She deserves better, and hopefully one day I can be better for her. But I feel this all happened too fast. Maybe I’m not ready to settle down forever yet. But I know when I am, id like it to be with her. She’s perfect for me, but the time is not perfect. I feel like I’m in a dark place right now, and I need to find everything on my own. Maybe one day, if its right, we can be together. I know its you i’d like to have a family with. However, when we are both mature, I know when I see you walking the aisle, I’ll be watching from the side, not watching u come toward me. I will probably always regret that. Because I love you. I loved you. And I will love you. I hope you keep me in your life forever. I’m sorry.

Has been so long lately. Finals this week. I’ve got a few days to learn 10 weeks of info. Let the long nights begin. After this week, good old fashioned fun with the high school homies. Can’t wait.

And I am sitting here writing a Tumblr post. First one in a long time. Back in school and I’m already falling behind due to th lack of availability of books and the lagginess of Amazon Prime. But, I am determined to catch up, which I have made a pretty good effort at doing today. Got a job this week, finally. Got my book from Amazon, finally. Decided I want to study abroad in Berlin, finally. Started making the efforts to get there, finally. Started hitting the gym again, finally. Not a bad week, aside from my girlfriend being mad at me for what feels the whole time. I should really be skating over to my quiz, bleh. I’ll do that in a second. School’s good. Did alright my first quarter. I feel I’ll do even better this quarter, in spite of this slow start into it. I miss Winter break already. can’t wait for Spring break. And Summer. Welp, th rest of today looks like this: take quiz, sit through lecture, hopefully get a nap, go to info night, pull an all nighter working on CSE homework assignment (or however long it takes, hopefully not all night). Well, until next time you non-existent readers, hopefully I will post more often to delight your non-existent minds with my non-interesting posts and pictures, which I hardly post as it is.

Spent the weekend in Santa Barbara with Johnlyn Marie. It was fun, even though the ride there felt like forever. Met some pretty cool people on the train though. And i got lost for a little in Santa Barbara, i knew where i was going, but i didn’t know where things were exactly located, and it didn’t help that my phone was disconnected. But, we found each other. Felt really nice to see her again. The campus was really nice. They have a lake and a private beach. The burritos, well, they’re not like San Diego burritos. And there are way too many bikes there. Apparently bikes have the right of way there. Leaving was a bit sad though. She waited for the bus with me, but she couldn’t go with me, since she lives there of course, but yeah. Overall good time. I enjoyed it. But now, back to school.

You love

To find a reason

To hate me.